It was a monday night....just like any other night I followed my daily routine, day in and day out like I always do. I went over my mother's house for dinner and as I was about to leave my mother's boyfriend told me he had this telescope from his childhood so of course I was very intrigued so I asked him to show me the moon. It took him about 15 minutes to set his lens so I patiently waited looking at the stars but for some reason I was scared I didn't want to be disapointed, but as soon as I peaked my eye through the telescope something just hit me. I was afraid of the unknown and somberly confused about my whole lifes persepective. I saw beauty on that moon, an ethereal experience. I saw wonder and mystery. Later that night I thought about my whole life and what it meant to me, what I had accomplished, what I wanted to accomplish, and I thought about my destiny.... I thought about everyone's destiny. Suddenly I realized how all of my life's chapters had led me here. All the roads I crossed and rocks I stumbled over had now made me who I was today. 
As a little girl I felt lost. I had two amazing brothers but with a hard childhood and drug addict parents you feel a sense of islolation. Our imaginations ran wild and I remember always wishing and dreaming that one day my life would change and I would be this big star and beautiful and someone everyone wanted to love. I had always loved my parents but when your outside the box looking in you feel cheated out of what you could of had, but as you grow older somewhere in between everything you become that same person, and that vicious life cycle just repeats itself. You dont realize what you did until it's over. I became my mother and my brother became my father.
My smile doesnt have to be empty it can be true. I realized that I might not know what my destiny is or be able to control others or what they do, but I can control what I do. The pain is always with you no matter how big or small it may be.....heart breaks, sexual trauma, childhood abuse, a dysfunctional family home, self esteem issues....but it doesn't matter. Yes you take that pain with you but if you allow yourself to forgive others and reach out to yourself you can change any ugliness inside yourself. I told myself I wanted to be a loving kind person, bubbily and cheerful, happy to be alive, wholesome and not judge others as I would not want to be judged. I wanted to set baby steps for myself and not be unrealistic about my expectations. I want to smile everyday and be grateful for what it is I have in my life. Money is money its just a thing to me , its material. We can have passions and hobbies but its just an item. You'll want a hug or a friend, someone to laugh with, something to walk with and talk to. Life is not guranteed, nothing is owed to you or I. We don't know much of anything..... but yes it is faith. It's cherishing those around you and learning to let go of past hurts and choosing to give yourself the life you want. I thought failure was real, but it's not. If you think you failed yourself than you must of, but only you can decide if you've failed, and only you can decide if you succeed.
So next time I look in that telescope I'm not going to wonder or be afraid. I'll hold the world at my fingertips.
No comments:
Post a Comment